Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
