I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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