Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
