someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
