I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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