a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
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