Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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