god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
