I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
