You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
