She is in my trunk
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
