Your face is a jimmy john
I wish I could teleport
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
