You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
