end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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