Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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