all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
