6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
