youre lurking in front of me
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
