Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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