thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
