ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
