if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
