She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
