You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
