I wish my penis had an off switch
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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