it was like having sex with a tree stump
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I pour the whiskey from now on
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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