im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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