I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I think my fart just growled at me.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
