They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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