All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
