Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
