Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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