please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
