Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
