everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i came on her dog
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Randomize
