It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
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