doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
