Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
