IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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