Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
