I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
