Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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