a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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