Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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