Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
