Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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