I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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