I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just invented taco cereal.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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