i already hear my dad disowning me
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
