um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Randomize
